Anguish In Aberdeen - The Sixth - This Time It Is Personal - but not quite yet

There has been a break.

What kind of break I hear you ask? Well certainly not a Kit-Kat (tm - obviously not my trademark), but a break from writing about the infamous trip to Aberdeen.

For those of you who have managed to stay the course (and there was me thinking that a 'stay' had something to do with whalebone and the constriction of young ladies bodies into unnatural shapes - haven't a clue ed), there was been a bit of a break from the ol' writing the blog post.

Why?

Do you think it is ever wise to ask me a question like that, as you know you will get an answer, you just may not like it very much, Oh, it will be long, wandering, obtuse, full of emboldened trademarks for ludicrous ideas (what are you saying, that sounds like your normal posts - Ed the ed) and come to sudden stops in a plethora of brackets, braces, italics and indentation....

Delilah

Why, why, why Delilah was there a lack of posts.

If you had been paying attention, (the number of you sitting in the back row seems to keep on growing at an alarming rate - hey you in the jail - ed), you would have realised that I changed contracts back in October/November 2016, moving from a contract near the Southbank (Londong as it is known now, as I believe that most of it has been bought up by Chinese investors - echo-gnomics ed)  and to a new shiny contract based in Aldershot.

The immediate consequence of this was; that the daily commute on the train dropped from a 'time enough to get my s*** together and do some writing', to a, 'barely got comfortable on the seat before having to get off'.

This means that my writing time has been severely curtailed (and my tail still needs bandaging every night with a new dressing. The nurse, Rosey Dawn is here first thing every morning to see to my needs. As far as I understand, the use of the word, suppurate has been somewhat over used but apparently this kind of thing happens more often the older you get. The other word that seems to be being used with my weekly visit to the Doctor is 'fester'- dr ed)

To the point, if there is one

I thought posts were supposed to be short and pithy (like my helmet - explorer ed). Well that hasn't worked very well in recent times has it. Given my stream of unconsciousness dribble (don't you mean drivel? - literary ed) I think that boar has sailed (you must mean 'Your boat has sailed' - ed).

Aberdeen wherefore art thou

So, yet again, the idea of a Sixth post on the trip to Aberdeen has raised its ugly head.

Why?

Well I ...

(when I say I - I actually mean - we -  Bridget is coming to ensure that sanity prevails, and Uncle Mike - him of the Panning for Peppercorns post fame is coming for the laughs - just the facts ed)

...am/are about to head to Scotland again - though not to Aberdeen but Inverness, Ullapool, Skye and the other place that I can't seem to remember for more than a moment or too.

So it is bringing up memories of the last fateful adventure in Scotland back to the front of my mind (just a little off the sides and back please Mr. Barber - ed).

Sadly this post will not be that particular post - but it is there in my head, bubbling away.

Do not be discouraged, it will appear, but as ever, not quite sure when!

In the style of "Yes Minister", "The IR35 Reform" edition

                               
Minister: Humphrey, this latest report says that all our IT projects are going to be massively delayed.

Humphrey: Yes, Minister.

Minister: Well why is that Humphrey?

Humphrey: All our IT contractors left.

Minister: Really, that must have been a terrible shock.

Humphrey: No, Minister.

Minister: What, you mean we weren’t surprised.

Humphrey: As you are aware Minister, I am rarely surprised. We were told it would happen.

Minister: Who told you that?

Humphrey: No one of any importance Minister, just the contractor associations, recruitment agencies, accountants and lawyers who work in that area.

Minister: Why were they telling you that?

Humphrey: They were responding to our Off Payroll Public Sector IR35 reforms consultation.

Minister: What are the Public Sector IR35 reforms Humphrey?

Humphrey: Some vague, poorly conceived and inconsistently applied legislation.

Minister: Well that just sounds like all government legislation!

Humphrey: Yes, minister.

Minister: So, why on earth did we go ahead with it, if we knew it would delay all our central government IT projects?

Humphrey: Oh no, it’s not just central government Minister, we will cripple IT projects across the whole of the public sector including the NHS, local councils, MoD, TFL and the BBC.

Minister: Well shutting down the lefty BBC is obviously a good thing. But why would we risk crippling all those other departments?

Humphrey: Minister they will only be delayed, not crippled.

Minister: Remind me why are we doing this Humphrey.

Humphrey: We say that it is only fair that contractors pay the same tax and national insurance as employees.

Minister: We say that! Is that true?

Humphrey: Of course not Minister. Contractors have numerous additional business costs. They tend to work for short durations on specific projects before moving to a new client.

Minister: I am confused Humphrey, why would we make them all employees?

Humphrey: We aren’t Minister!

Minister: You just said we were!

Humphrey: No I didn’t Minister. I said we will tax them like employees. We won't be giving them any employment benefits like holiday, sick pay, training, career development or redundancy.

Minister: It doesn’t seem fair to tax someone like an employee, but not give them any employee benefits.

Humphrey: It isn’t Minister.

Minister: Then why are we doing it?

Humphrey: To force them all out of their contracting roles.

Minister: Why on earth would we do that?

Humphrey: So we can give all the work to the big multi-national consultancies.

Minister: Aha. So that will save the country money.

Humphrey: No Minister, it will cost a lot more, the quality will be poorer and everything will be delayed.

Minister: Will we collect a lot more tax?

Humphrey: Oh no Minister. Big multi-national corporations don’t pay very much in the way of corporation tax.

Minister: That sounds terrible. Then why are we doing it Humphrey?

Humphrey: Those large multi-national consultancies contributed heavily to your election campaign and will give you a cushy well-paid job when you retire from politics.

Minister: Excellent Humphrey, well done!

Addendum

Sad to say the idea for the above skit was not mine. However, after receiving it I thought it was worthy of wider attention as it made me laugh, which is A Good Thing.

For the record, I did edit it slightly.

Thanks to "you know who" for coming up with it.

History of IR35 and Freelance Contracting.

For a full history of this farcical situation see this: Potted History of the IR35 legislation.