For those of you who have been paying attention, or for those of you who suffer from severe inattentiveness (probably most of you in these hectic internet enabled, instant gratification days of the second decade of the 21st Century), this is the first blog post for quite a considerable time. (This is factually incorrect, there have been many many blog posts, just that this is the first one by “me” for some time….)
Really, yes really, the last one was from the roof top of a wonderful B&B in Lecce (southern Italy, half way down the heel) at the tail end of September (I would have said arse end of September, but September as far as I understand it is not a month to take a pot shot at).
Note for those of a particular nature, Lecce (Letchy) is not where older men go to look with longing eyes at Italian beauties (I would recommend Amsterdam and its plethora of Dutch beauties for that kind of reprehensible activity_)
You may ask why? Remember, the question, first blog in some time and my attempt to explain why,,,, do try and keep up...
If you did (ask why), I could ramble on about this, that, the other and expound with energy on the whys and wherefores. But (and against my usual veritable verbal diarrhoea-like writing style) the answer is plain and simple (much like my underwear - Really didn’t need to know ed)...
(Whilst we are on that subject I need to mention Bamboo socks and Bamboo pants - for my Alaskan reader - that is I believe underpants, shreddies, boxers, tidy whities - as you can tell I am totally au fait with all the right mots for the occasion.
They are simply the softest underwear you can buy (terms and conditions apply, this is not an advert for any particular product and if you get a pop-up ad offering you a deal on them, then BUY SOME - I get a small kickback (and sometimes just a small kickette in my vitals) that help to pay for the provision of food to orphans in Third world countries - or so I will tell you, after all if Trump can get away with large blatant lies then so can I)
...Oops, there was a short interruption between the above and this; followed by a large dose of “Where the Fuck did my saved document go”, and after 5 minutes of hell, thinking of what I just lost (and reading the above - not a great deal ed)
My anger (frustration, feelings of ineptitude, frank and honest feelings of worthlessness), abates as the recalcitrant document appears in an unexpected place (just below the foot rest of the seat in front of me, if you really wanted to know) and my Zen like calm is reapplied (Small 20ml pots of Zen Cream are available at a Chemist near you, just mentioned this blog and you will be charged a supplement as a penalty for reading said blog).
Christ (BTW as it is December 25th, Happy Birthday), I do wonder how I have survived for so long without knowing about The Breath (™) and Zen cream products (available at all major pharmacies); I do suggest reading Black Dog (™) a previous post to see how close a run thing life and death was at various points in my twaddle of a life.
Where am I, now that is a real question, I am glad you asked, apparently at 35,000 ft in a Royal Thai Silk Cut Class (or First Class I will have you know) seat (or space bigger than our house as is the actual fact) and the gorgeous Ladies and occasionally Gentlemen have just brought out dinner, which at about 13:30 is a trifle odd, but we are heading east at some speed and by the time we reach Bangkok (who’s name elicits a whole host of verbal inanities as you can/could imagine - and if not why not; Language is Just Pure Fun (™)).
So, Bridget has just moved from her pod to join me in my pod. No, pod is not a euphemism, it is just the gigantic size of seats (that do indeed turn into beds at the drop of a hat, well, not quite exactly, more a bit of fiddling with knobs - ooh err missus..)
General Aside (Major Cockup)
I have asked for, and paid a small fee (2 shillings and sixpence in really really old money) and received special dispensation for a General Aside, as long as it takes no more than 200 words and is vetted in triplicate by the Editorial Board of Control (The EBC - as they’re less formally known - or bunch of nincompoops who wouldn’t know a smartphone if it leapt from its case and bit them on the arse, let alone the ramblings of an inane blogger… I ask you, where is the world going?)
Anyhow, the aside was about a conversation that was at the time reasonably funny (terms and conditions as always apply - ed).
Context
We regularly go to Fiona and Neal’s (possibly Neal and Fiona’s) for a meal, I would guess once every other quarter or so, and in between us visiting them, they visit us. This is always a very pleasant meal out (or “in” depending on the venue) and we have all been getting much much better at not over drinking (and about time too - Dr Ed)
(A small unassuming glass of Cuban rum, from Cuba, where you have just been on holiday, why would I say, “No, thanks, I’ve had enough, thank you”; the hangover the next day and quite surprisingly the day after as well; put into motion the, “Spirits, no thanks”, rule that was ensured that all “Meals out with friends”, do not turn into raging hangovers that make life simply unbearable even with copious amounts of drugs)
Where was I, aha, an aside, that is taking slightly longer than usual to get the point; but there is one, “Bear with me caller”.
Our last planned meal was the weekend before our, “Australia trip, or there and back again, Ozzie style”, not sure what that means yet, but if the force of words is with me, you will get to read about it.
Initially our meal was just the four of us, but as the date approached the number of attendees grew.
From the four of us to first six (Gillian and Neil, Fiona’s sister and her husband, also Neil but with a different spelling to allow us to differentiate the two of them) and then to eight (Jenn and Matt, or possibly Matt and Jenn, sometimes I struggle to work out which is the right way around).
Anyhow, and moving on with the aside [this is an interruption by the EBC, you are failing to get to the point of this so-called aside and we are having a meeting to decide whether we should revoke your “Asidal Rights”, please be warned you could be cut of at a moments….]
I am trying to get to the, “Ben Elton Is Gay”, highlight of the evening.
Now we were all chatting about the TV of our youth (and suffice to say that as we are all of an age 50+ (“Not me”, the voice from the sofa pipes up) to be generous and fair; so the TV shows of the 70’s, when there were ONLY 3 TV channels and fourth choice was represented by the large off switch on the front of the large mechanical TV that took up all of the floor space in the front room; whereas today they (TVs) take up very little floor space but have taken to filling entire walls, so progress is from footprint to wall print, you just have to love technology!
(Remember computers used to take up enormous space and were incredibly unreliable, so were TV’s - but that was when TV meant television and not someone on an endless spectrum of physical attributes from Woman to Man and back again , so what do I know) ,
Everwhat or whatever, somehow Frankie Howard’s name cropped up, and someone, possibly Matt or maybe even Jenn (apologies it is unclear to me whether there are one or two N’s in Jenn - perhaps best represented by Jen(n)) told me that Frankie Howerd was “Gay”.
Now this was a major shock to me, as I have lived a sheltered life (not true - but it makes for mildly entertaining reading; and if you have been to Reading, it is indeed mildly entertaining)
Naturally my instant …
(I say instant, I had been drinking as part of my personal drive to follow the Department of Health’s or is it Da Government (™) “Drink Sensibly” policy - which I have unfortunately misunderstood, for comedic effect to be, “Drink until Insensible”, policy)
...riposte was, “You’ll be telling me that Elton John is gay next”; which as well all know is in fact the case; however, Neal (and not Neil) then piped up, “I never knew he was gay”; this caused much much amusement…
(remember we all had been drinking, therefore pretty much everything was funny - Theresa May is PM did cause a lot of hilarity until we realised it was in fact, true, a very sobering moment I will have you know).
...So we all were gobsmacked that Neal did not know “Our Elton” was not only Gay, but married with child. Neal’s confusion was unbelievable. Elton had been out for years.
So, as would have it, the conversation moved on to, sadly the Liar Blair and housing policy, after we are after all a well educated crowd, “Another tea for me Vicar!”, is our constant rejoinder.
(I am not sure what I mean by that, possibly a conflation (the opposite of inflation) of tea and wine with a passing remark about the Church of England - and long may she sail).
The evening wore on (as she is wont to do) and mellowness was all around (hic) - and Neal (and not Neil)
(Bridget and I needed to get to bed, as our ability to stay awake after 10pm is severely handicapped by our normal weekday waking up time of 5:30 am)
...suddenly piped up, whilst talking to Fiona about the evening, that had oh so delightfully passed said,
“I, for one, have learnt something this evening”,
to which we all chimed in;
“and what is that?”,
to which Neal in his infinite wisdom replied was,
”I never knew that Ben Elton was gay”.
Well, all of us apart from Neal fell about, well swayed in our seats with much over the top hilarity (remember we had been drinking).
So finally it came out, all the time we were being gobsmacked that Neal did not know that Elton was gay, he was thinking that we were talking about, “Ben Elton” and not “Elton John”.
Yes, I guess you had to be there to really get it.
Reading it back, it is not quite, if at all funny, however, I did think that it was worth capturing, as from now onwards, the 16th December will forever be known to us as, “Ben Elton is gay day’.
Here endeth the aside
So, I am in a plane at, 35,000 ft. Dinner has been eaten, the never ending supply of Dom Perignon Champagne has apparently dried up, as no-one has offered any more for at least an hour now, maybe I am supposed to be asleep, but the force is strong within me.
In actuality I have slept a lot over the last two days (been suffering from a mild case of Man Flu - but in my case, “The Drugs do work...” - , and many thanks for that. Aching joints and aching eye sockets have been in abeyance for quite a few hours now).
I believe that the copious (but not copious enough for my liking - Champagne Charlie ed) amounts of Champers have kept the aches as bay; well that is my story and I will stick with it.
Pointlessness
“Not sure”, pause a moment while I think about it some more, “Nope, still not sure”, why I have started the blog again.
Might be something about the 11 hours on a plane from Heathrow to Bangkok and then another large numbers of hours (8 1/2) to Sydney meant I had no excuse for postponing writing for the first time in a while.
Might be that I have a lot to write, given the paucity of output over the last few months.
Might be that the Man Flu is affecting my ability to read - and boy have I been reading of late.
Books a-go-go
More books about the Great Crash, and a massive range of other subjects that interest me, I will, (honestly I will - ed) put up a list of books that I have read of late (over the last year, the Kindle has ensured that I can continue to read in the middle of the night when sleep eludes me) and maybe, just maybe even recommend some that should be of interest to you too.
Off the top of my head, and I may need to go and find a link or two and get the name quite right are:
Doughnut Economics - best book on where we need to go economically and environmentally that I have ever read - highlights the uselessness of GDP as a meaningful figure of wealth and or state of a nation or indeed the World.
Anything by Yanis Varoufakis (but not the one specifically for his daughter ), The Global Minotaur and the “Suffer the weak” one. The one about Adults in the Room is a real eye opener about where the power in the EU actually resides.
You will be so glad that Gordon Brown fought so hard against Tony Bliar to keep us out of the Euro. The UK would have been well and truly shafted if we had been a part of it in during the Great Recession.
“The Road to Somewhere” - by David Goodhart, All about the state of Britain (and as it happens other rich countries) and gives good reasons why there was a Brexit vote; certainly enlightening.
Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari - wonderful wide ranging book about Homo Sapiens; bit biased at times but a rollickingly good read; think
“Guns, Germs and Steel’ by Jared Diamond but over a much longer time period.
I would also suggest Nick Cohen book called “What’s Left”. It puts a lot of things about the “Left Wing” into an interesting perspective.
No comments:
Post a Comment