The voyage of Reginald Iolanthe Perrin (RIP the Rhino) aka Neil (Rhino Neil)

Paul, my brother, told Bridget and me back in early July, that he had ordered us a gift from the internet and  that it was on a slow boat from China, so it would take a while to get here.  

To try and get us interested he started to send text updates as to the ship's (though he calls it boat quite a lot) progress, which, as you can see, turned into a wonderful and rich narrative, with a set of characters that need a book of their own. 

By the time the gift arrived,  we didn’t care what it was, it could have been a button, the journey had been so much fun………

Reggie Perrin

Friday 10^th July

Boat has reached Indian ocean having dodged Chinese bases & pirates.

Indian Ocean

Saturday 18^th July

Just checked, the boat is south of Sri Lanka, latest report says fine weather, porpoises/dolphins in sight.

Curry on the menu.

Sri Lanka. Porpoise, Dolphin

Monday 20^th July

Ship is approaching the Maldives. 

Bridgecam shows blue skies, calm seas. 

Tuna on the menu, Star Wars DVD playing tonight.

The Maldives. Star Wars

Thursday 23^rd July

Halfway from Maldives to Socotra. 

Bridgecam shows, weather was fine, helmsman had a chipped mug. 

Halal lamb on the menu tonight.

Socotra

Saturday 25^th July

Approaching Socotra.

Bridgecam showed clear skies. 

Helmsman has a tattoo to Shiva on his left arm and was wearing knockoff Manchester United t-shirt. 

Lamb sandwiches tonight.

Shiva, Manchester_United_F.C.

Monday 27^th July

Passing through the narrow part of the Gulf of Aden. 

Bridgecam shows various low flying helicopters in the vicinity. 

Helmsman constantly praying, captain shouting and drinking straight from a bottle of Teachers. 

Mezze on tonight.

Teachers Highland Cream

Tuesday 28^th July

Captain laid out drunk, so 1^st Mate in charge as they pass the lower Red Sea. 

Cock-up on the catering front “halal ham” has upset most of the crew who turned on Jose the chef. He’s barricaded in his room. 

Helmsman pulled a double shift and is doing Coke to keep going. 

Weather looks iffy, dark clouds gathering. 

Clockwork Orange on DVD tonight.

A Clockwork Orange (film)

Wednesday 29^th July

Calmer seas now as the ship passes mid point. Captain back on his feet, in control while the cook has done generic chicken & chips with apple pie tonight. 

Helmsman off Coke and onto tea. 

Gone with the Wind on DVD but the crew don’t give a damn.

Gone with the Wind (film)

Thursday 30^th July

Down to 10 knots due to Suez Canal holdup. 

Helmsman has the radio up loud. 1^st mate singing along to Radar Love, Captain unwisely shooting at large seagulls. 

Lancashire hotpot tonight, 

Casablanca on DVD

The Suez Canal, Casablanca (film)

Friday 31^st July

Approaching port Tewfik Stack.

MV Calumnia Giant. Liberian registered, run via shell company in an office over a chippie (Cod Almighty) in Droitwich. 

Crew from Chechnya, Transnistria, Chennai. 

Officers German & Manx. Captain alcoholic, cook from Bilbao. 

Liberia, What is a Shell Company, Droitwich Spa, Chechnya, Transnistria, Chennai, Manx people, Bilbao

Sunday 2^nd August

Arrived port Tewfik stack. Ship at anchor. Customs aboard tomorrow & then a canal transit slot. 

Bridgecam shows man with a fierce beard on watch, captain nervously going through paperwork.

Lamb Shashlik on the menu. 

Dr Zhivago, Gandhi and On the Beach tonight’s DVD selection

Doctor Zhivago (film), Gandhi (film), On the Beach (1959 film)

Tuesday 4^th August

No problems with customs once the man with the beard spoke to them. 

Joined Northbound convoy through Suez this morning and now in the Med. 

Bridgecam shows crew drinking Moet & celebrating.

Lobster on the menu.

Taras Bulba Gone in 60 Seconds and the Italian Job on DVD

Moet & Chandon, Taras Bulba (1962 film), Gone in 60 Seconds (2000 film), The Italian Job (1969 film)

Wednesday 5^th August

Boat approaching Limassol Cyprus. 

Helmsman now wearing a Spurs t-shirt, drinking tea from a Darth Vader mug.

Docked at Limassol. Bearded crew member fainted when a container was dropped.

Helmsman sitting, chain smoking, listening to Thunderstruck by AC/DC. Lokomotiv Kiev tshirt.

Lamb Kofte and chips on the menu. 

Fast and Furious on DVD

Limassol, Tottenham Hotspur F.C., Darth Vader, Fast & Furious, FC Lokomotyv Kyiv, AC/DC

Thursday 6^th August

En-route to Gibraltar making 15 knots. 

Bridgecam shows overcast skies and dolphins. New helmsman with bald head, doc martens and “cut here” neck tattoo. 

Pizza tonight.

Maltese Falcon on DVD

Gibraltar. The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)

Friday 7^th August

Passing Crete at 18 knots. Calm conditions. 

Bridgecam revealed captain and helmsman drinking rum and coke and arguing about US election. Dolphins to starboard. 

Greek salad and chips on the menu.

Guns of Navaronne on DVD tonight.

Crete, TheGuns of Navarone (1961 film)

Saturday 8^th August

Bridgecam shows captain with binoculars as ship passes Malta/Sicily 10 knots. 

Bearded helmsman wearing green Akhmat Grozny t-shirt drinking tea from a glass and yelling at the 1^st mate. 

Jose the cook has put lamb couscous and blackberry crumble on the menu.

DVD selection is Battleship Potemkin, Ek tha Tiger and The Usual Suspects

Malta, Sicily, Battleship Potemkin (1925 film)'Ek Tha Tiger (2012 film). The Usual Suspects (1995 film)

Sunday 9^th August

Sunday morning update. Ship stopped for a boat of immigrants but after a captain/1^st mate argument, ship sped off. 

New helmsman (red and black striped Spartak Trnava T-shirt, black coffee from flask) yells odd insults at sulking captain. 

Jose has classic Paella with Camargue rice on the menu followed by cheese board and grapes. DVD selection, Lord of the Flies, Titanic and On the Beach.

Back to 20 knots and well past Malta. 

Captain swigging vodka after argument with 1^st Mate and Jose the cook who threw a box of Spaghetti off the bridge into the sea. 

Bald helmsman with “Vorkuta” tattoo drinking endless glasses of tea from plug in samovar and has thrown off his blue Lada Tolyatti t shirt. Dancing badly to Gopnik Hardbass. 

Menu unchanged, but The Flying Dutchman added to DVD selection.

FC Spartak Trnava, Lord of the Flies (1963 film), Titanic (1997 film), On the Beach (2000 film),  Vorkuta, FC Lada Tolyatti, The Flying Dutchman (1995 film)

Monday 10^th August

Steady 20 knots, ships in sight. 

Bridgecam shows captain asleep, clutching a copy of Palgrave’s Golden Treasury, but a watchful Indian has the wheel, Shiva medallion round his neck and sipping nervously from battered pita chai mug. 

Blue and gold Chennaiyin FC shirt reveals forearm tattoos of a mountain, the word Kailash and “Puzhal Central Prison”. 

Sardines on toast for breakfast, vegetable curry, Mango kulfi tonight. 

DVD selection includes, Skyfall, Dersu Uzala and Office Romance.

Chennaiyin FC, Mount Kailash, Puzhal Central Prison, Skyfall (2012 film), Dersu Uzala (1975 film)

Office Romance (1997 film)

Tuesday 11^th August

Down to 10 knots for approach to Gibraltar. Captain doing sightings and plotting, teaching the others in turn. 

1^st Mate on the Helm, bright blue Douglas HSOB t-shirt, “Onchan” tattoo, sipping from a can of Stella and listening to Sympathy for the Devil. 

Religious Danish 2^nd Mate disapproves and suggests Tuborg. 

Jose has planned a chicken and chorizo stew with dumplings and scrawled Free Gib across the menu. 

Tonight’s DVD selection is Pans Labyrinth, The Rock and Guernica.

Douglas High School Old Boys A.F.C., Onchan, Stella Artois, Tuborg Brewery, Pans Labyrinth (2006 film), The Rock (1996 film), Guernica (1950 film)

Wednesday 12^th August

06.00 GMT – Through the straits and heading North towards Cape Trafalgar. 10 knots due to heavy traffic as shown by bridgecam. 

Captain, 1^st & 2^nd mates on the bridge discussing the early works of Kurasawa and watching the skinhead helmsman who is listening to Slade and drinking Fosters stubbies. Millwall shirt natch. 

Jose is blind drunk on Gonzalez Byass in his cabin, so a Chennai crewman has laid on mutton biryani with Sandesh for dessert and chilled Aampora shoorbot with vodka for drinks. 

Tonight’s selection of DD classics is The Pride and the Passion, Bequest to the Nation and Waterloo.

Cape Trafalgar, Akira Kurosawa,Millwall F.C.,  Gonzalez Byass,  Sandesh (confectionery),  The Pride and the Passion (1957 film), Bequest to the Nation (1973 film), Waterloo (1970 film)

Thursday 13^th August

Cracking along at 20 knots past Portugal. 

Bridgecam reveals Captain and Manx 1^st mate are dunking Rich Tea Biscuits while having a lively discussion regarding The Waste Land and Tennyson’s Ulysses. 

Helmsman with the Vorkuta tattoo is back, drinking small glasses of Slivovitz, shouting “Look to Windward” and waving the red and green strip of Energhetic Dubasari around, revealing a map of Siberia across his back. 

Chef Jose has prepared a Basque Piperade with fresh crusty bread, followed by Turkish coffee and home made tiramisu, then retired to his room with a bottle of Fundador. 

Tonight’s DVDs include Rashomon, the Seven Samurai and The Hidden Fortress.

The Waste Land (book), Ulysses (poem), FC Energhetic Dubasari, Piperade, Fundador, Rashomon (1950 film), Seven Samurai (1954 film)n The Hidden Fortress (1958 film)

19.00 GMT – update

Captain, both mates and Chechen crewmen anxiously checking cargo manifest. 10 containers of “machine tools” and 1 of “Asian dream” coffee beans causing great concern. 

Indian helmsman looks serene with Buddha tattoo and blue and yellow Kerala Blasters strip. Large mug of masala chai and digestive biscuits. 

Bridgecam cuts out at 19.10 GMT just after Engineer appears on bridge with crowbar and bolt cutters.

Bridgecam briefly back on 20.30 then back off at 20.35 GMT but revealed ships cranes being used to drop opened containers into Bay of Biscay.

Bridgecam back on at 21.30 GMT. Signs of a big party in progress. Captain, Engineer and both Mates waving arms to “We are the Champions” by Queen. 

Chechen crewmen singing badly in Russian and performing a Cossack sword dance by the radar set. 

Bottles, streamers everywhere. Even Jose has joined in the fun, running a barbecue on the starboard bridge wing. 

Helmsman wearing green Happy End Camenca strip with Tiraspol FC tattoos on both arms and taking nips from a litre bottle of Kvint Cognac. 

DVD selection now includes The Lord of War, Traffic, The Flying Dutchman and The Expendables.

Kerala Blasters FC, Bay of Biscay, FC Happy End Camenca, FC Tiraspol, KVINT, Lord of War (2005 film), Traffic (2000 film), Flying Dutchman (Pirates of the Caribbean), The Expendables (2010 film)

Friday 14^th August

06.30 GMT – Bridgecam shows heavy traffic at approaches to English Channel. 

Captain with binoculars pensively watching nearby helicopter as crewman tidies up evenings barbecue party. 

Bearded helmsman with non alcoholic G&T, Grozny tattoo on forearm and yellow/red Arsenal Tula strip competently keeping to the right as Hawkwinds Silver Machine plays on Radio 1. 

Cold cuts, sandwiches and fruit salad on the menu due to hungover chef. 

Tired crew haven’t selected DVDs yet, but perhaps a serenely quiet Merchant Ivory costume drama like The Wild Party, The Remains of the Day or The City of your Final Destination

English Channel, FC Arsenal Tula, The Wild Party (1975 film), The Remains of the Day (1993 film)

The City of Your Final Destination (2009 film)

09.30 GMT – Update. HMC Valiant alongside, armed boarding party on the bridge demanding paperwork. 

Smiling captain offers tea and Mr Kipling French Fancies all round, opening manifest with a flourish. 

Customs officials with sniffer dogs opening selected containers and looking confused, while Chechen deck crew sing Boney M’s Rasputin. 

BBC, South Central and Gonzo News Corp helicopters circling overhead. 

Red faced shouty HM customs man turns off bridgecam. More updates later

HMC Valiant, Mr Kipling French Fancies

13.25 GMT – update

Customs left disgusted and empty handed at 13.10. 

Captain played “Air on a G String” as they left, now reading Walt Whitman. 

Running at 24 knots now, to make up some lost time but Tilbury ETA now tomorrow am. 

Bridgecam reveals helmsman sipping chilled Tongba from pint glass and wearing the red/green Mohun Bagan AC strip but alarmingly with Asanol FC tattoo on right arm. 

Jose outdone himself with menu of lobster thermostat, seasonal veg, rhubarb crumble with ice cream. 

DVD selection now The Crimson Pirate, Das Boot and In Which We Serve.

Air on the G String, Walt Whitman, Tilbury, Tongba, Mohun Bagan A.C., The Crimson Pirate (1952 film),  Das Boot (1981 film), In Which We Serve (1942 film), Hamilton Academical F.C.

19.50 GMT update

Anchored off Southend, only 2 mile from SS Richard Montgomery. 

Engines finished, Tilbury pilot booked. 

Bridgecam shows no helmsman but Captain on the dim bridge in dress down Fridays Hamilton Academicals red and whites, tomorrow's paperwork in one hand and glass of Laphroaig in the other. 

Hearing the crew drunkenly cheer on Burt Lancaster as they make their third vodka toast (to love, traditionally) he whispers “all happy shops are alike, each unhappy ship is unhappy in its own way”. 

Looking sadly at the tattoo on his arm, he drains the glass and pours another.

Southend-on-Sea, SS Richard Montgomery, Laphroaig distillery

Saturday 15^th August

10.15 GMT update

Tilbury pilot arrives 09.00, accepts breakfast of bacon and eggs and double café/calva. Short sleeved shirt with discrete Millwall logo, tattoo “Free Derry” and glass of Guinness in hand, he guides Calumnia Giant up the Thames. 

Jose simply wrote “Smorgusboard” on the menu and retired to his bottle of Grappa. 

Swiss purser in crisp white shirt and red/black Neuchatel Xamax tie, preparing the crews pay as he sips a tiny glass of absinthe. 

No DVD selection as yet, but on top of the box is Dark Star, Dredd and Firefly.

Free Derry, Neuchatel Xamax FCS, Dark Star (1974 film), Dredd (2012 film), Firefly (2005 film)

Docked Tilbury container port 11.15. 

Watchman on the bridge has green Lommel SK strip and 4 bottles of Dame Jeanne lined up ready. 

Some crew signing off. Chechens weepily hug the captain and advise him to grow a beard, Chennai crew just take the money and stagger off with a sack truck full of duty frees.

Replacements from Novaya Zemla, Kamykia and Aberystwyth due this evening. 

Unloading and refueling started, new manifest printed off by captain, with alcohol and dangerous goods conveniently highlighted.

Old rusty green container from Shanghai Export is craned off the ship first and ready for trucking out.

Lommel S.K., Dame Jeanne, Novaya Zemlya, Kalmykia, Aberystwyth, Shanghai

Tilbury gatecam shows green container loaded onto garishly painted truck, displaying a naked lady cavorting with a dragon. 

Driver has a Mohican haircut, love and hate tattoos on knuckles, blue AR (AE?) Messolongi shirt. Washing down an amphetamine with flat, warm pepsi, he tunes into Classic Rock and listens to “Satisfaction”, loud as drives off. 

Stops at Stans greasy spoon on A13 for a kebab (to Comfortably Numb) then onto M25 North for The Boston Tea Party and an hour of ‘70s finest. 

Next stop, Swan Truckstop Bromsgrove.

A.E. Messolonghi F.C., The Swan Truck Stop

Sunday 16^th August

Swan truck-stop security cam shows driver kicking Tracy out of his cab to the sound of Sabbaths Paranoid at 05.25. 

Takes his red pill, washed down with stale Pepsi Max and walks, scratching his balls, Born to be Wild now ringing in his ears, to the Pitstop café for 05.30 opening.

Full breakfast to the tunes of Led Zep and Hendrix, but pays supplement for the good sausages. 

Reads Friday’s Sun, to the “Not Rock at all” of Kites, by Simon Dupree and The Big Sound. Wanders back and listens to full length “Wish You Were Here” as engine warms and lines up the days 3 tablets on the dash with blu-tak. 

Leaves at 06.05 to Freebird and heads toward M42 and Space Oddity. 

Last seen at Spaghetti junction shaking his head to either Bohemian Rhapsody or My Sharona. Who knows and does it matter?

Spaghetti Junction

14.15 Update

Gatecam shows truck arrival at importers Cannock Chase 12.05 to 2468 Motorway. 

Picks up new trailer as Aerosmith plays and hits the road to 2^nd pill of the day and Sweet Child O Mine. 

Securitycam shows forlorn container, fine rain removing last of South China Sea salt crust as bald headed foreman with can of Special Brew in pocket checks paperwork and seal and returns to office. 

A blue and red Banik Ostrava strip Is pinned to the wall, West End Girls playing quietly from a CD player. 

Paperwork is thrown to bottom of pile labelled “kipple” and he drains the can to the refrain of Rent and Go West. 

Briefly revealing a multihued PRIDE tattoo and the name “Phil” on his arm, he ambles to the canteen (Soggy Shepherds Pie, tinned peas), deftly dodging 2 forklifts drunkenly racing around the warehouse (the yellow one won)

FC Banok Ostrava, Kipple

Monday 17^th August

Mondaycam 06.30 shows Shanghai Export contents forklifted into a warehouse by a forklift named Nostromo, (Eastend accented driver smoking a Camberwell carrot, Fulham strip, Legion Etranger tattoo and ZZ Top beard) for X-ray and rubber stamped customs check by bored Abkhazian wearing an old blue Sukhumi Dinamo strip, then segregated by stoned temp workers into pallets for retail outlets, local drug dealers or distribution to UK couriers. 

Graunchy metal playing over tannoy. Initially Rammstein, forecast of Viking Metal by 14.00 clearing to Motorhead and Motley Crue, later Hail Satan! 

Breakfast menu, bacon, eggs, sausage, spam or Halal spam, chips, copy of last weeks Daily Mail on the table, coffee machine out of milk.

Fulham F.C., French Foreign Legion, FC Dinamo Sukhumi

13.05 Spamcam update. 

Canteen sausage delivery went wrong when driver (crewcut, Villa tattoo but AF Eskilstuna strip) badly misquoted Walt Whitmans O Captain my Captain and an argument broke out over New World vs Old World poets with the chef; none of this helped by the broken coffee machine, copious Ritalin and an ex libris hardback of Leaves of Grass. 

Segging team on hold awaiting new spam delivery. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Aston Villa F.C., AFC Eskilstuna, O Captain! My Captain!, Leaves of Grass

Tuesday 18^th August

Office cam 06.25 shows Tristero container full and sealed. Courier called. “bloody Germans”, shouts the Polish (Wisla Plock Shirt) supervisor over “Don’t Fear The Reaper” as he slams down the phone, 

Arrive 14.27 exact, Ja indeed! 

Grapping his 3^rd bottle of Podlasie Duch Puszczy and washing down some fugian made meth, he shakes his long hair to Quo as they set up outside his office, and checks the breakfast menu before writing his signature 47 times in one minute. 

Passing a group of Vikings and a heavenly choir he hits the canteen for eggs, bacon, sausages, beans and bacon and a coffee now the machine is working, shares a table with Elvis and Rutger Hauer, who looks like he has seen things even less believable than the tv news.

Wisla Plock, Podlasie Duch Puszczy, Rutger Hauer

14.27 Swisscam reveals dark blue Tristero truck arrive. 

Blowing a post horn, the driver is clean shaven with starched dark blue uniform and gold piping just peeping out of his shirt is a tattoo showing a red, gold an d blue striped square with ‘Guardia Svizra Papala’ in 24 point Helvetica. 

Signing the receipt with a Montblanc Meisterstuck, he leaves at exactly 14.27. 

Drinking Alegra mineral water (having turned down the coffee) and tuning to classic FM, he hums along to the William Tell Overture. He is unshaken by the fast moving police convoy heading in the opposite direction.

Swiss Guard, Montblanc Meisterstuck, Alegra

17.20 Ordunungscam showed delivery to main triestero depot Rugby. 

Pallets wheeled out, disinfected and lined up for sorting. Swissly correct, clean and without any visible humour or tattoos, at least the place works. Canteen has Ementhal croque monsieur, (French, Italian and Romansch menu), the Financial Times to read and a Toblerone dispenser. 

Showing on tv are The Sound of Music, Goldfinger and the Eiger Sanction. Classic FM plays quietly on the tannoy, but will turn to an Alpenhorn selection from 20.01. Your box is checked, stamped and a call and email made to recipient for correct import fees, then a cute Edelweiss sticker is put by the delivery address.

Toblerone, The Sound of Music (1965 film)m Goldfinger (1964 film), The Eiger Sanction (1975 film), Alphorn, Leontopodium nivale

Wednesday 19^th August

06.35 Genevacam reveals FedEx van (driver listening to Poison ‘Alice and Cooper’ tattoos on arms, red and blue Vaivas-tai FC strip) take 5 trolleys (one with large box and jammed castor) for central FedEx depot while playing ‘Elected’.

Knocking back some Zhejiang Ket with RedBull and a Toblerone wishing he was in Philadelphia. He screeches off to ‘Schools Out’.

The road flows, pedestrians jump, streets empty, cool cool blue lights flash. He feels love, oneness and part of all that he has touched.

Replacement driver transfers cargo from the wreck, but drives as badly, swerving around two Indians at a Zebra crossing as they wheel along a trolley of Moskovskaya Osobaya Bunnahabhain 24 and Pelinkovac.

Vaivase-Tai FC, Red Bull, Moskovskaya vodka, Pelinkovac

14.00 Fedcam catches van entering a parallel U.S of A world at FedEx central. 

Country and western is on tannoy. 

One hears Benson Arizona, the one great C&W song, though not a hit. 

We see NASCAR posters, L.A. Vikings strips while Praise the Lord is heard. Yeebloodyhah!
Hotdogs, burgers, freedom fries and ‘donutz’ on menu. Coffee is weak but the machine is regularly filled by a Mexican.

MAGA caps to be seen amongst middle managers and despite a zero tolerance drugs policy, OxyContin is as rife in the office as Coke is in the executive john. 

TV shows only The Alamo, the Green Berets and Lone Survivor, which says it all.

Fedex, NASCAR, LA Vikings FC, MAGA - Make America Great Again, Oxycodone, The Alamo (1960 , film), The Green Berets ( 1968 film), Lone Survivor (2013 film)

Magacam 19.00. Vans leaving for local depots like shrapnel leaving site of an explosion only more dangerous. 

Drivers from Tampere, Tristan da Cunha, Tianjin but watch the one from Trincomalee (blue and white Don Bosco strip, yellow LTTE tattoo and missing fingers) going to Basingstoke with a special delivery. Drinking coconut Arrack,eating ‘donutz’, sniffing fentanyl from Shandong (via Limassol), a thermos flask (empty, no coffee) and with a copy of ‘Hagakure’ in his pocket he is truly dangerous.

Kenilworth to Leamington he reaches 80, scoring a pigeon, a dozy rabbit and clipping a cyclist. Sliproad to M40 it’s a badger, later 3 crows who thought the hard shoulder was a sanctuary.

Killstreak stops just past Cherwell services-a satisfying holdup due to a Pilgrim bus rear-ending an Ainscough crane. 

Blazing nuns, scattered rosaries and spilled Holy water all bring back old memories. He settles down for a long night and a drink.

Tampere, Tristan da Cunha, Tianjin, Trincomalee, Don Bosco, Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam, Basingstoke, Arrack, Fentanyl, Shandong, Hagakure, Kenilworth, Cherwell Valley Services, Ainscough

Thursday 20^th August

06.30 – Deathcam shows clear M40, Cherwell – Hail Marys said, rosaries counted and holy water mopped up.

Collecting a quick brown fox and two more lazy crows, he turns South on A34 at Junction 9.

Pulling into Peartree Oxford for diesel (now 1.27/L no cash, no mask, no service). 

Pearcam shows him kicking the Peartree cat, failing to social distance and fighting 3 Chechen sailors, losing badly and ending up in a dumpster but admiring their Achkhoy Martan strip.

Hitting the road, his remaining Arrack and an injured Muntjac, he drives to Abingdon Tesco, buys a blue and yellow Abingdon FC shirt and six bottles of nice Charelevoix Lupulus (10% abv). 

Finally he crashes out on a heavy, ticking box with a Tadley address.

Peartree, Achkhoy Martan, Abingdon Town F.C., Charelevoix Lupulus, Tadley (see treacle mines)

13.30 – Basingcam shows arrival. 

Run on proper British lines now, the FedEx Local has cricket, tea, cheddar, stiff upper lips and total disorganization. 

The packages get dumped on the floor and kicked into the wrong piles for starters.

It’s time for afternoon deliveries, but no-one can be arsed and the paperwork is lost anyway. Why work so the Yanks can make money out of our sweat?

Manager hides in his office, ticking boxes, putting great stats into a PowerPoint presentation, watching The Best of Boris on Tory Central TV.

Tea machine is broke, canteen only has dirty tables, chips and last months Sun to read, so everyone watches Battle of Britain, Waterloo or Henry V on TV (not considering Polish/Commonwealth/Belgian/Prussian and Welsh participants), or sits outside smoking homegrown, moaning about the yanks and listening to the Stones.

Battle of Britain (1969 film), Waterloo (1970 film), Henry V (1989 film)

20.00 – Shiftcam shows Polish nightcrew drinking Brewdog Tactical Nuclear Penguin and eating Krupnick or Swojska.

Shockingly for lazybastard jobstealers working double shifts, paperwork is checked, vehicles are loaded and tanks filled all to Joan Baez and Rejoice in the Sun. 

Then manifests signed, tyres inflated, door pockets emptied of drugs to After the Goldrush. 

Final checks and windscreens are cleaned to Fields of Gold. Everything is left shipshape and Bristol Fashion for the dayshift.

TV shows tousle haired spaffer railing about immigrants, so it’s switched over to the David Byrne solo of Psycho Killer. Stopping and tapping their feet in time, they dream of large automobiles and wonder what the hell is a shotgun shack.

Brewdog Tactical Nuclear Penguin, Krupnik (soup), Swojska, Shotgun shack

Friday 21^st August

Vans out for local deliveries at 06.23 Friday morning, dodging downed trees and listening to Blondies’ Atomic. 

Parcels for children, bottles of rare booze, collectible ceramic plates and drugs from Tongsheng and Fuqing. The world foolishly waits with bated breath.

One early drop is a box of expanding batons for the police college at Ufton Nervet (to Smoke on the Water).

Then crates of Vaseline and rubber product to a house in Mortimer (Rocketman), 99 Red Balloons (Private clinic Burghfield).

Strangely heavy boxes to CTS Calleva Park (Our Lips are Sealed), at Baughurst it's to boxes of MLM tosh to Enola Gay, then down Mulfords Hill to FLASH (aaaahhh) by Queen.

Tangshan, Fuqing, Ufton Nervet, Mortimer Common, Burghfield, Orchard CTS Ltd, Baughurst, Mulfords Hill

13.30 – Doorcam reveals box arrived Thrush Close 13.02 to Pinball Wizard (The Who). Customer (no tattoos or rare football strip) has radio playing Same Song by Elton John, gives driver £20 and says thanks. 

Swiss Army knife (replaced once under guarantee) opens box for a check, aaaand it’s unbroken and still ticking. Hands are reset to GMT from Ulan Bator time.

Sitting down opposite a copy (or is it?) of Starry Night over the Rhone and flicking an old brass Zippo, the man makes a call…………….. Will it be answered, was it all for nothing and was it worth the massive effort? Yes hopefully, nah it was all great fun, very much so.

Click. Ring ring ring etc. Man answers phone laughing. 

He won’t laugh when he opens the box later, collapsing the state vector and finding either a dead cat, a live goat or an angry mathematician inside and not a clock from a Kunming city sweatshop……………………

Swiss Army Knife, Ulaan Baatar, Starry Night over the Rhone, Zippo, Schrodingers Cat, Kunming

Finally, the biggest Surprise Rhino of them all:

Many thanks to Bridget for transcribing all the text messages into a single document.

Definition: Hootability

Definition:-

Index of the ability to give a damn, or in fact a "hoot".

This can range from zero (0) - where no hoots are given, to the maximum two (2) hoots. So depending where you are on this scale, is your current "Hootability".

General Usage: "He couldn't give two hoots, whether it works or not". (This is a "bad" thing)

Specific Usage: "She came in on a Sunday to get the project finished; she really gave two hoots" (This is a good thing, apart from the coming to work on a Sunday)

Emoji Usage: The "Owl" symbol is used to denote ones "Hootability".

Other Example Usage: "I am all out of hoots"; "I am in a hoot free zone right now".

Debate

How quickly can you regain your hootability once lost?

How long can you lose your hootability for? If lost, where did it go and what caused it to go? Was it having a holiday without you, and if so, where, and who did it invite?

Where does your hootability come from? Is it an innate characteristic? Can you learn it? (Yes, please contact me for the next, "Hootability - how to give a damn!", course. There is a special  30% increase in cost, if you mention this post and give me an example of how you give two hoots - training ed)

Is your hootability dependent on particular aspects of your life? For instance, can you give a hoot on one particular thing - but give no hoots on everything else? Compare and contrast the things you give two hoots about, to those you don't, discuss.

Is your hootability linked to your Biorhythms or perhaps the amount of alcohol you consume?

Can you recharge your hootability, perhaps with a holiday?

Can you get a prescription from your Doctor to help?

Will talking to the "Wise Old Owl", help you recover from a massive and sustained hootability failure?

Will just the passing of time, regenerate your hootability abilities?


Afterthought

Just what on Earth am I talking about?

Strangely, no alcohol was consumed in the construction of this inanity, it being a "School Night".

Post Afterthought

Did you spot the fact that I am prepared to charge you 30% more if you mention this blog post, when you ask about the next time I am running the course.
Naturally some of you will ask, "Is there a real course?", to which the answer is, "Yes, if enough of you want one, then I shall create one!"


From my Google Statistics Module the most favoured posts on this blog are:

IR35

Freelance IT Contractors

Ironing

EE - The Annual Event

David's curated list of TED Talks

Subjects of Rage

There is a rage building.

It has been building for a while.

It seems to be the sum of a lot of smaller bothersome things.

Perhaps, a series of things that we might call "Ragelets"

Now I should come of with a term for that (you have, you have just added a link, a line of two above -ed), The David Scratchabiity Index (DSI) to give a scale of minor itching to the full on need to rip the skin from your body to relieve the incessant itching with a really deep scratch. I am sure that scratching is tied into something quite deep in our brain, because the relief is deeply deeply satisfying.

Hmm, ragelets, "Hey David" what could possibly be generating these so called ragelets . 

Seems I might have to answer that with my starter for ten response, "Well that is an interesting question" - well I do believe that is an understatement to say the least.

So, Mr Collins - can you elucidate?

There seems to a number of themes - and in no particular order:-

Work

Bureaucracy

UK and the EU

Da Government

Facts vs Lies

The Media

Democracy

The Economy

Company CEO Pay

The Finance Industry

Gender this that and the other 

Manufacturing in the UK

The Nation State

The Euro

Mental Health

Statistics and Lies

The Environment and Climate Change

Free Trade

Litter

UK Housing

Veganism with meat bonus

Dairy Intolerance

Speeding Cars

Lack of Common Sense

General Stupidity 

Barking Dogs

Careless Dog Owners (or that's no snake lurking in the grass it's dog poop)

The Pointlessness of Cats

Pets in General

Most Shop Staff

Insurance Companies

Banks

Austerity

Political Parties

Emojis 

Walking/Driving/Breathing and Texting at the same time.

Diets (nothing to do with the Japanese parliament)

Conspiracies


Bit of a big list I know - but there is so much that needs to be addressed in this country and that gets right on my nerves. (Ooh, does each one generate a ragelet I wonder - ed)

What I may try and do is flesh out different items from the above list, to amuse myself, and perhaps even you, my dear, lonely reader, but the night is drawing in, and not doing a great job of it, as the pencil is a bit blunt and night has got its eyes shut (again), so is making quite a mess of it.


Afterthought

Haven't done one of these in a while, but that is probably for the best.

Ragelet

Definition: Ragelet

noun:

1.  A very minor irritation

Perhaps like a single mosquito bite.

Which, if you are Bridget blows up into a tennis ball sized red monstrosity, within what seems like minutes, but if me, just another things on my body that I have to scratch.

Perhaps even generated by a new improved work process that is in fact a step backwards, as it  consumes more of your time for absolutely no personal benefit (but saves other people time and money).

Perhaps generated by simple spelling mistake e.g. "passsports" with that slippery extra "s".

Perhaps generated by cars speeding through a 20 mph zone at closer to 40 mph with nary a concern.

Perhaps generated by cars/vans/trucks going through road side puddles and blithely unaware and uninterested as they pick their noses, eat their breakfast, text, talk on the phone, do their hair as they splash that unwary highly visible pedestrian with a tsunami of water.

Perhaps generated by another piece of unthought out, over worded, unimplementable,  unfit for purpose piece of Government legislation that not only fails to address the issue that it purportedly is supposed to address but makes life that little bit more difficult for everyone that comes into contact with it

Note: ragelet is not a word that is in general usage (as I have made it up, ooh - one sec while I google it - yep - not out there in internet land, so another word first for me).

How it relates to me

I see ragelets (oh yes, there are normally found in large groups, usually lurking in the corners of you mind) as set of  small things that are added one at a time to my mental landscape and have over perhaps the last year or two, created a vast monstrous palace (Gormenghast - ain't got nothing on it - I can tell you) of rage about what seems to be almost everything that I see, read, watch and have to deal with. But that is a different post.


Note:  A ragelet (all by itself, is nary a danger) , however, with time and effort and  the subtle  addition of its brethren  (other ragelets), maybe one here, one there, a couple from behind the sofa,  bloom into a damn good inferno of rage.

Be warned. Ragelet induced rage is one of the most concerning epidemics of our times.

Just don't mention  IR35 or Brexit whilst I am in earshot.

It seems that the use of certain words or short phrases can generate  a cascade of self-perpetuating ragelets, that can quickly form into a black rage in just a few short but in no way sweet moments , I can tell you!

Also, as can anyone who has been there when it has happened to me.

Some of these poor people are still on the path to recovery.

I do visit them from time to time in the post-rage unit (PRU) , with flowers and fruit, not sure why I do that, but it seems appropriate; though the nurses keep telling me to ditch the flowers as they can trigger asthma attacks, sigh.

It's been a while...

 I know, I know!

Where have I been, what have I been doing?

You really don't care, do you, you are just being polite!

Some of you may want to know about the unfinished, "Anguish in Aberdeen", cycle of posts. It's all in my mind, just takes time to extract it all and put it into an electronic form. I might be bothered to get all the posts links into one super linked post, but then again, I am not sure that I can be bothered.

So, how am I?

Well that IS an interesting question!

(I can hear Bridget in my mind, going, "Oh no, he's used the 'Interesting Question' response - that's never a good sign.)

As those of you who know me, and not in the Biblical sense, but then there is very little sense in the Bible. Now, there is a whole host of things about the Bible that I could...

 (whoa there, not gonna, just saying I could, I don't want to drive the last reader of this blog away,  the pleasantly named, The Right Reverend Angus Wilcox, "Morning Rev" (for it is at this moment of time the morning in, oh so sunny, Alton))

...go skipping over any Bible shenanigans, (way too much begatting in there for my liking), where was I going?

Aha, the response to, "How am I?"

That IS an interesting question?

Where should I start?

There are just so many different aspects of that that need to be taken into consideration.

I will see if I can break them down into sensible groupings, perhaps starting with some outline headings - then that will help me focus and fill out each one, probably a post for each one; though this may be the start of the long festering book in my head,

"David's Guide to Common Sense and Its Application to Everyday Life in the 21st Century on Planet Earth (tm)", not the snappiest of titles but it is a decent starter for ten (For those overseas readers, that is a BBC University Challenge reference - look it up ed)

But, before I get to that point, I need to be quite clear that there is a build up of rage, driven by a large number of disparate things going on, as ever, mostly in my head.

Which takes me to one of my favourite Harry Potter (no Rev, don't go - ed) quotes:

Harry Potter:
Professor? Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head?

Albus Dumbledore:
Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real?

.. and I think that is very deep indeed. It is all real and it is all happening inside my head, including you my dear, dear reader.

Meandering around Alton

I've had an unexpected couple of days "off", my current contract expired on Tuesday and the new one arrived Wednesday with a surreptitious 'gotcha' clause added in, luckily I spotted it,  queried it and  without some changes I simply could not sign it. Sigh.

So, as I couldn't provide services without a contract, I stayed at home. But this was not a problem (apart from the loss of one or more billable days - financial ed)

Now, I am a big fan of Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor, Stoic Philosopher, Wise Man and all round great guy.

Why am I mentioning this, well, as I had this "unexpected free day" (not free, damn costly - opportunity cost ed), rather than just rail and rage about the injustice of the lack of a signable contract and berating the bureaucracy that failed to get it in place before the end of the previous contract; and yes I did do those things, but after few minutes or so I realised that it was in fact pointless and not making me feel any better - but it did throw another log onto the fires of my rage; it's burning just a wee bit hotter and brighter now, if you are asking.

So, I used this spare day, as the opportunity that it was, to do some stuff that needed doing; and as we all know, the backlog of stuff that needs doing sometime, is enormous, and generally grows.

This was a golden opportunity to attack that backlog and make a big dent in it, possibly with my head, but preferably with some less easily damaged part of my anatomy.

Hmm, using words like, "backlog" and "opportunity" makes me feel like I am at work, grrr.

FYI I work in the "Agile" world of software development now (recently, since around about 2000) . I even signed the "Agile Manifesto" way back when, which in essence is the, 'Build software that the customer actually wants and get it into production as soon as possible with the highest possible quality, then rinse and repeat',  style of development. But I think that is a whole other post (or book - looking for opportunities business ed)

The Bed

We are about to change our bed; we bought a new one (wouldn't make much sense buying an old one I suppose, unless it was antique?),  in early January 2019 ...

(sorry - I have had to split off the below section as it has seemingly turned into a monster of its own creation... if you want to know about the bed can I suggest you skip the below section in braces and with italics, if you are lucky the words afterwards will line up and make sense (that would be a massive improvement - sarcasm ed)

...
(for those of you who are annually challenged, you know who you are, it takes until around April before you realise that you are in fact in a New Year - and then you start wondering, "Where did the year go?". 

It used to be a more prevalent condition when we all used to write cheques. 

Note:  a cheque is a piece of paper, that you could write details, names, amounts, dates to ensure payments (money) from your bank account went to the appropriate people, companies and da Government  - for those of you "Millenially" challenged, kind of like a mobile payments app, but without the need for a phone, an app, a charge battery - ed),

... which is part of the 'Fixing up the house" programme of work that is going on this year (2019  - as we established earlier - sigh).

The Point

There is a point to all of this, but as with many things, it is the journey that leads to enlightenment, not the final destination, as, and I know it is sometimes hard to really grasp, no-one gets out of here alive, so the final destination is meeting DEATH and so the journey is what it is all about.

Making the most of every day and  having the most enjoyment along the way:-

 "Keeps my boat, not only afloat, but hovering around 6ft off the ground"

(for my metrically challenged readers, that is around 1.8 metres).

But I digress, and if I didn't, would I be me?

Old age 

What? How did we get here, we were talking about Beds, then "Fixing up the house" and now Old Age...

Patience, my Dear Alaskan Friend. It is all linked, trust me, I am a [insert your favoured trustworthy person here] (most people use 'Doctor', but strangely enough, not me.)

 There have been a number of discussions over the past few years, very few of them relevant to this missive, but the pertinent one is about retirement (thankfully missing out the mental and physical decline and the ever nearing death conversation - phew ed).

The Staircase of Doom

The staircase in our cosy (small, very small - ed) Victorian terrace is terrific - nope definitely the wrong word - terrifying is the correct word.

It is very steep and narrow, it would fit perfectly in with the high streets of many a northern town, but without the music, the cobblestones, the rain, did I mention that damned mournful music, the soot, the Northerners, in fact let's face it, it is just plain steep and narrow and it has never visited the North.

Given the nature of the house, 2-up and 2-down, with single story extension at the back (errm - doesn't that make it a 2-up, 3-down - pedantic ed), where the single story extension contains the kitchen and the bathroom (if you were asking). 

(Though it does raise the idea of a 3-up, 2-down, that at first seems impossible, until you take into consideration hillsides - architecture ed)

The downstairs bathroom is the only bathroom (restroom for those of you linguistically challenged - ed) in the house; which means that those nocturnal moments of joylessness, where you can no longer ignore the bladder pressure, generally incur a journey down the nightmare staircase to the safety of the bathroom and relief, let's face it, the bathroom is about as far away from the bedroom as it is possible to be in this house, sigh.

We have both fallen down the stairs over the years, most importantly (i) without being pushed and (ii) without being inebriated ..

(the wall at the bottom of the staircase has brought one court action against us for assault, but luckily for us, the magistrate threw the case out with the words, "A wall cannot bring a court action, it is an inanimate object" - common sense shone by the bucket load that fateful day - ed)  

..and 'fixing' the staircase has been a source of what we shall call, meaningful discussions a number of times.

My view was to put a contract out on it, but Bridget thought I was being silly, remember she is The Reservoir of Household Sanity (tm). So I was over-ruled, again, sigh.

Retirement Home Options

So, we are on this journey, and you my dear, lovely, warm and fuzzy readers are coming with me on it.

With me so far? The bed is relevant and I will sew it back into the fabric of this narrative soon, real soon now (do you trust me - I wouldn't - I do have some idea where I am going with is, but the sun is dipping now - and there is a fire to make, fizz to be popped and guzzled and chins to be wagged - eh ed)

We (not 'you', unless you were hiding under the stairs, with the rest of the scary monsters - ed), started discussing where we would live come retirement; as for us to be able to retire in this house, with these stairs would be ever so difficult, nay dangerous.

It used to be that you got a special Victorian stair allowance from the Government, to provide home help to give you a hand up and down steep staircases, sadly this has been done away with due to Austerlitz (don't you mean Austerity - ed),  I know what I mean, follow the link if you need further information, it is not at all relevant, but it is importantly more information.

So, this retirement discussion, where we chatted in an adult fashion ...

 (the screaming, shouting and abuse are, believe it or not, all optional in an adult discussion, I think the worst thing we do is do the muppet eye roll - and to be honest that is mostly by me, I've got it down to a 'T' or is it a 'Tee' or maybe even a 'Tea' - Milk and Two Sugars please - ed),

...about where we could afford to, or want to live when we both retire.

As ever, it came down to money, familiarity and the proximity of family and loved ones (the further away the better in my books - ed).

Now you may know, certainly you will if you have been paying attention?

Have you? Why have you? Sorry, for a moment there I had a moment of doubt, but I believe it has passed.

I shall try and go on, but The Voices (tm) they do so interrupt my choo choo i(train - helpful ed) of thought.

You may know that we have been to The Great North (tm) where I had a bout of The Great North Runs (tm) (which would quite nicely take us back to the Anguish in Aberdeen saga, is only I could weave it all into the tapestry of my life - ed) not to be mistaken for The Great North Run (probably someones trademark - ed).

One of the things we had believed was, that housing was cheaper up north.

But as ever it was not as simple as that. Why oh why is it never just plain and simple?

But is did get us to thinking, what would we need to do to this house to enable us to stay in it until not only My time of dying but also Bridget's.

If you have followed this far, well done, but can you see I am starting to stitch it altogether, (No, oh poop - ed)

The Staircase

So our after our initial skirmishes (discussions - ed) we arrived at the thought, "What if we could get a less steep and dangerous staircase into the house?"

So we chatted and wondered, and finally I did some measurements, got some dimensions, numbers of steps etc worked out that the only place a new staircase could go, was exactly where it was, but would need to be less steep, and have to turn 180 degrees to get all the required steps in.

Did I mention that the steps are also very shallow - which means that people with normal feet have to walk in a sideways fashion coming down the stairs; going up ain't so bad as you can bound up on the front (balls) of you feet.

However, my calculations showed that for the staircase to be less steep (and meet modern regs - safety ed), that we would need to lose some of the floor in the back bedroom to allow for enough head room on the final turn(s) at would be the bottom of the staircase. With me? I would draw a picture, but really cannot be bothered.

Let there be Light

So, whilst we were discussing the staircase, one thing led to another and we talked about letting more light into the middle of the 3 downstairs rooms.

The back of the house is south facing, so the kitchen and the under-used back bedroom get all of the light.

The middle room, has no natural light and is a dark and dingy place, so we mused over having the wall between it and the kitchen removed - so that the light from the kitchen could pour like a golden wave of cheer and happiness. See where we are going here...

One things leads to another...

Then we thought, whilst we were at it, we could also fix the "Slug Problem (tm)".

Slug Problem

We have a slug problem. Eh? Under the floorboards downstairs is just soil, good old Victorian damp soil.

Slugs, spiders, snails and other scary things (mostly beginning with the letter S)  live under them, and even with a layer of cat hair filled carpet and the liberal (other political parties are available - balance ed) application of strategically placed gaffer tape, the little bleeders get out and into the house.

Now, I can live with the spiders, everyone has spiders, however, descending the North Face of the Eiger (our staircase - sigh ed), in the dark, in the middle of the night and finding something squish under and then up between your toes, is really, really (perhaps even another really - ed?) not something  I would wish on anyone, not even people I don't like.

Once you've done it once, and have had to rinse the dead sluggy blood and bits from out between your toes in the shower in the middle of the night, you really, really don't want to have to have that happen ever again, I still shiver at the memory. Once you've been slugged once, you never want to  go back.

Solving the Slug Problem

So, to solve the slug problem we reckoned we would need to take up the carpets, the floorboards etc and fix it, membranes, damp prevention, new flooring, insulation, the whole works... and we would need to do this to both the front room and the middle room.

The job of "fixing the house up for retirement" was growing.

Slug Hunting at 1am (one a.m - not Iam)

Have you ever done slug hunting at night?

It has to be done at night, as they seem to be nocturnal. I have sat for many an hour during the day waiting for them to show themselves, but they don't!

I have slug hunted, many times, sometimes even successfully!

Note, even picking them up with a tissue is an unpleasant thing to do, but in perspective, not as bad as cleaning them out from between your toes... everything is relative.

I know when they have got in to the house (again), as they leave little trails for me to find in the morning.

I suspect they laugh at me (snails don't laugh at you, but I would suspect that a lot of your readers might - ed). 

The smarter slugs taunt me by creating trails that read. "Katch me if you can human", "Slugs rool" - seemingly they are better at spelling than many of today's school children, who knew!

So, once I have spotted a taunting trail, the very next night, when my bladder calls me to go downstairs or I wake up due to my internal Slug Watch Alarm (tm) going off, I creep down the stairs then  turn the lights on full , and with my Slug Net (tm), in hand I go a-hunting.

What never ceases to amaze me, is how even the tiniest slugs, seem to be able to generate enormous trails.

Bringing it to a temporary end.

OK, this post is not quite finished (barely started, the voices in your head, might say - psyche ed) - the choo choo of thought hasn't faded, but my right buttock is starting to indicate that it has been sat on for a little bit too long.

Don't worry, there is more I want to share, oh, so very much I want to share (wink) .

But I most get this into the postbox before the last post is collected (I am not sure that's how it actually works - sanity ed)

But don't worry  - I'll be back... I've missed you, yes I have, even you at the back of the room.


For those of you suffering

Never forget there is help to be had, and people who will listen.