So after a bit of chivvying (hurrying up - ed), as I had not received any photos, I was emailed a couple of photos of Charlie. Now Charlie is a King Charles Spaniel (possibly a Cavalier (but not a Roundhead - ed)), so I have been told. For those of you who do not get the Cavalier/Roundhead mention see English Civil War.
However, as far as I am concerned there are five types of dog, to whit:
- rat on a rope/string (i.e. very small, will appear from out of a hand bag for instance - just for effect, possibly seen with Beautiful People in Beautiful Settings. Would need a stepping stool to bite you in the ankle)
- small (has to jump to bite you in the calf)
- medium (can bite you in the vitals without moving its neck much if at all)
- large (has to bend down to bite your hand)
- Shetland pony (i.e. very large - can stand on back legs with feet on your shoulders and give you a close whiff of dog breath)
I am someone who is not particularly bothered by actual breeds of dog, but mainly by size and by how vocal they are, that is how much they bark, and naturally there are a number of types of bark, which include both frequency and depth of bark:
- yap (large numbers usually associated with a high frequency - really annoying, makes you want to say to the dog - go on is that the best bark you can do? Associated with smaller dogs who have a Bonapartean chip on their shoulders because they are so small. )
- ruff (one or two of these as a reminder that the dog exists and could bark if he/she really wanted to but really cannot be bothered.)
- whine (hurt, makes you want to help as the sounds tugs at your heart strings (twang)- be careful - they do bite if you go to help)
- growl (beware usually a deepish tone and a definite warning that something is amiss - you getting too close for instance)
- yip (happy dog, generally frequent and high pitched - dog might go round in circles at the same time causing red-shift, this is why Red Setters appear to be red (not at all true - ed )
- woof (inquisitive dog asking if it is time for walkies or another bowl of really meaty chunks)
- bark (large dogs, usually for warning, or because there is another dog in the vicinity, or the arrival of the postman is imminent, or the someone was walked passed the house in a threatening manner, or they sky is looking too blue today - in fact for no reason at all)
- howl (lonely dog, letting the world know how lonely he/she really is - owners have left dog by itself - again)
There is an aside here, if a dog barks in an empty house, does it make a noise? Answer - yes especially if the neighbours are about (cf tree falling in a forest - ed) and answer no if the owners are challenged about it. Strange world in which we live where the people who experience the barking are dismissed as the owners 'know' that their dog doesn't bark unless there is a good reason!
Back to Charlie
Now given I am a life long member of the Collins clan (Enrolled for Life Membership at birth it appears), it means that somehow I (once it is finished) have to get the picture to Heather when she is least expecting it so that it is a surprise. Not sure how I am going to do this, but it will involve subterfuge (what a lovely word - ed).
For those who are interested (yawn - ed) some of the membership criteria to be in the Collins clan are:
- the hiding of the hazelnut,
- adult discussions,
- just missing seeing Fred Nerk,
- sneaking up and jumping out on people,
- bizarre sense of humour i.e. telling blatant truths in a manner as such to make people not believe you,
- telling blatant falsehoods in straight manner so as to fool people,
- queuing up and making a conga behind someone pushing a shopping trolley whilst in the shop
Postscript
Not everything written above is wholly true or wholly false. remember I am Spartacus.
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