Paul, my brother, told Bridget and me back in early July, that he had ordered us a gift from the internet and that it was on a slow boat from China, so it would take a while to get here.
To try and get us interested he started to send text updates as to the ship's (though he calls it boat quite a lot) progress, which, as you can see, turned into a wonderful and rich narrative, with a set of characters that need a book of their own.
By the time the gift arrived, we didn’t care what it was, it could have been a button, the journey had been so much fun………
Friday 10th July
Boat has reached Indian ocean having dodged Chinese bases & pirates.
Saturday 18th July
Just checked, the boat is south of Sri Lanka, latest report says fine weather, porpoises/dolphins in sight.
Curry on the menu.
Monday 20th July
Ship is approaching the Maldives.
Bridgecam shows blue skies, calm seas.
Tuna on the menu, Star Wars DVD playing tonight.
Thursday 23rd July
Halfway from Maldives to Socotra.
Bridgecam shows, weather was fine, helmsman had a chipped mug.
Halal lamb on the menu tonight.
Saturday 25th July
Approaching Socotra.
Bridgecam showed clear skies.
Helmsman has a tattoo to Shiva on his left arm and was wearing knockoff Manchester United t-shirt.
Lamb sandwiches tonight.
Monday 27th July
Passing through the narrow part of the Gulf of Aden.
Bridgecam shows various low flying helicopters in the vicinity.
Helmsman constantly praying, captain shouting and drinking straight from a bottle of Teachers.
Mezze on tonight.
Tuesday 28th July
Captain laid out drunk, so 1st Mate in charge as they pass the lower Red Sea.
Cock-up on the catering front “halal ham” has upset most of the crew who turned on Jose the chef. He’s barricaded in his room.
Helmsman pulled a double shift and is doing Coke to keep going.
Weather looks iffy, dark clouds gathering.
Clockwork Orange on DVD tonight.
Wednesday 29th July
Calmer seas now as the ship passes mid point. Captain back on his feet, in control while the cook has done generic chicken & chips with apple pie tonight.
Helmsman off Coke and onto tea.
Gone with the Wind on DVD but the crew don’t give a damn.
Thursday 30th July
Down to 10 knots due to Suez Canal holdup.
Helmsman has the radio up loud. 1st mate singing along to Radar Love, Captain unwisely shooting at large seagulls.
Lancashire hotpot tonight,
Casablanca on DVD
The Suez Canal, Casablanca (film)
Friday 31st July
Approaching port Tewfik Stack.
MV Calumnia Giant. Liberian registered, run via shell company in an office over a chippie (Cod Almighty) in Droitwich.
Crew from Chechnya, Transnistria, Chennai.
Officers German & Manx. Captain alcoholic, cook from Bilbao.
Liberia, What is a Shell Company, Droitwich Spa, Chechnya, Transnistria, Chennai, Manx people, Bilbao
Sunday 2nd August
Arrived port Tewfik stack. Ship at anchor. Customs aboard tomorrow & then a canal transit slot.
Bridgecam shows man with a fierce beard on watch, captain nervously going through paperwork.
Lamb Shashlik on the menu.
Dr Zhivago, Gandhi and On the Beach tonight’s DVD selection
Doctor Zhivago (film), Gandhi (film), On the Beach (1959 film)
Tuesday 4th August
No problems with customs once the man with the beard spoke to them.
Joined Northbound convoy through Suez this morning and now in the Med.
Bridgecam shows crew drinking Moet & celebrating.
Lobster on the menu.
Taras Bulba Gone in 60 Seconds and the Italian Job on DVD
Moet & Chandon, Taras Bulba (1962 film), Gone in 60 Seconds (2000 film), The Italian Job (1969 film)
Wednesday 5th August
Boat approaching Limassol Cyprus.
Helmsman now wearing a Spurs t-shirt, drinking tea from a Darth Vader mug.
Docked at Limassol. Bearded crew member fainted when a container was dropped.
Helmsman sitting, chain smoking, listening to Thunderstruck by AC/DC. Lokomotiv Kiev tshirt.
Lamb Kofte and chips on the menu.
Fast and Furious on DVD
Limassol, Tottenham Hotspur F.C., Darth Vader, Fast & Furious, FC Lokomotyv Kyiv, AC/DC
Thursday 6th August
En-route to Gibraltar making 15 knots.
Bridgecam shows overcast skies and dolphins. New helmsman with bald head, doc martens and “cut here” neck tattoo.
Pizza tonight.
Maltese Falcon on DVD
Gibraltar. The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)
Friday 7th August
Passing Crete at 18 knots. Calm conditions.
Bridgecam revealed captain and helmsman drinking rum and coke and arguing about US election. Dolphins to starboard.
Greek salad and chips on the menu.
Guns of Navaronne on DVD tonight.
Crete, TheGuns of Navarone (1961 film)
Saturday 8th August
Bridgecam shows captain with binoculars as ship passes Malta/Sicily 10 knots.
Bearded helmsman wearing green Akhmat Grozny t-shirt drinking tea from a glass and yelling at the 1st mate.
Jose the cook has put lamb couscous and blackberry crumble on the menu.
DVD selection is Battleship Potemkin, Ek tha Tiger and The Usual Suspects
Malta, Sicily, Battleship Potemkin (1925 film)'Ek Tha Tiger (2012 film). The Usual Suspects (1995 film)
Sunday 9th August
Sunday morning update. Ship stopped for a boat of immigrants but after a captain/1st mate argument, ship sped off.
New helmsman (red and black striped Spartak Trnava T-shirt, black coffee from flask) yells odd insults at sulking captain.
Jose has classic Paella with Camargue rice on the menu followed by cheese board and grapes. DVD selection, Lord of the Flies, Titanic and On the Beach.
Back to 20 knots and well past Malta.
Captain swigging vodka after argument with 1st Mate and Jose the cook who threw a box of Spaghetti off the bridge into the sea.
Bald helmsman with “Vorkuta” tattoo drinking endless glasses of tea from plug in samovar and has thrown off his blue Lada Tolyatti t shirt. Dancing badly to Gopnik Hardbass.
Menu unchanged, but The Flying Dutchman added to DVD selection.
FC Spartak Trnava, Lord of the Flies (1963 film), Titanic (1997 film), On the Beach (2000 film), Vorkuta, FC Lada Tolyatti, The Flying Dutchman (1995 film)
Monday 10th August
Steady 20 knots, ships in sight.
Bridgecam shows captain asleep, clutching a copy of Palgrave’s Golden Treasury, but a watchful Indian has the wheel, Shiva medallion round his neck and sipping nervously from battered pita chai mug.
Blue and gold Chennaiyin FC shirt reveals forearm tattoos of a mountain, the word Kailash and “Puzhal Central Prison”.
Sardines on toast for breakfast, vegetable curry, Mango kulfi tonight.
DVD selection includes, Skyfall, Dersu Uzala and Office Romance.
Chennaiyin FC, Mount Kailash, Puzhal Central Prison, Skyfall (2012 film), Dersu Uzala (1975 film)
Tuesday 11th August
Down to 10 knots for approach to Gibraltar. Captain doing sightings and plotting, teaching the others in turn.
1st Mate on the Helm, bright blue Douglas HSOB t-shirt, “Onchan” tattoo, sipping from a can of Stella and listening to Sympathy for the Devil.
Religious Danish 2nd Mate disapproves and suggests Tuborg.
Jose has planned a chicken and chorizo stew with dumplings and scrawled Free Gib across the menu.
Tonight’s DVD selection is Pans Labyrinth, The Rock and Guernica.
Douglas High School Old Boys A.F.C., Onchan, Stella Artois, Tuborg Brewery, Pans Labyrinth (2006 film), The Rock (1996 film), Guernica (1950 film)
Wednesday 12th August
06.00 GMT – Through the straits and heading North towards Cape Trafalgar. 10 knots due to heavy traffic as shown by bridgecam.
Captain, 1st & 2nd mates on the bridge discussing the early works of Kurasawa and watching the skinhead helmsman who is listening to Slade and drinking Fosters stubbies. Millwall shirt natch.
Jose is blind drunk on Gonzalez Byass in his cabin, so a Chennai crewman has laid on mutton biryani with Sandesh for dessert and chilled Aampora shoorbot with vodka for drinks.
Tonight’s selection of DD classics is The Pride and the Passion, Bequest to the Nation and Waterloo.
Cape Trafalgar, Akira Kurosawa,Millwall F.C., Gonzalez Byass, Sandesh (confectionery), The Pride and the Passion (1957 film), Bequest to the Nation (1973 film), Waterloo (1970 film)
Thursday 13th August
Cracking along at 20 knots past Portugal.
Bridgecam reveals Captain and Manx 1st mate are dunking Rich Tea Biscuits while having a lively discussion regarding The Waste Land and Tennyson’s Ulysses.
Helmsman with the Vorkuta tattoo is back, drinking small glasses of Slivovitz, shouting “Look to Windward” and waving the red and green strip of Energhetic Dubasari around, revealing a map of Siberia across his back.
Chef Jose has prepared a Basque Piperade with fresh crusty bread, followed by Turkish coffee and home made tiramisu, then retired to his room with a bottle of Fundador.
Tonight’s DVDs include Rashomon, the Seven Samurai and The Hidden Fortress.
The Waste Land (book), Ulysses (poem), FC Energhetic Dubasari, Piperade, Fundador, Rashomon (1950 film), Seven Samurai (1954 film)n The Hidden Fortress (1958 film)
19.00 GMT – update
Captain, both mates and Chechen crewmen anxiously checking cargo manifest. 10 containers of “machine tools” and 1 of “Asian dream” coffee beans causing great concern.
Indian helmsman looks serene with Buddha tattoo and blue and yellow Kerala Blasters strip. Large mug of masala chai and digestive biscuits.
Bridgecam cuts out at 19.10 GMT just after Engineer appears on bridge with crowbar and bolt cutters.
Bridgecam briefly back on 20.30 then back off at 20.35 GMT but revealed ships cranes being used to drop opened containers into Bay of Biscay.
Bridgecam back on at 21.30 GMT. Signs of a big party in progress. Captain, Engineer and both Mates waving arms to “We are the Champions” by Queen.
Chechen crewmen singing badly in Russian and performing a Cossack sword dance by the radar set.
Bottles, streamers everywhere. Even Jose has joined in the fun, running a barbecue on the starboard bridge wing.
Helmsman wearing green Happy End Camenca strip with Tiraspol FC tattoos on both arms and taking nips from a litre bottle of Kvint Cognac.
DVD selection now includes The Lord of War, Traffic, The Flying Dutchman and The Expendables.
Kerala Blasters FC, Bay of Biscay, FC Happy End Camenca, FC Tiraspol, KVINT, Lord of War (2005 film), Traffic (2000 film), Flying Dutchman (Pirates of the Caribbean), The Expendables (2010 film)
Friday 14th August
06.30 GMT – Bridgecam shows heavy traffic at approaches to English Channel.
Captain with binoculars pensively watching nearby helicopter as crewman tidies up evenings barbecue party.
Bearded helmsman with non alcoholic G&T, Grozny tattoo on forearm and yellow/red Arsenal Tula strip competently keeping to the right as Hawkwinds Silver Machine plays on Radio 1.
Cold cuts, sandwiches and fruit salad on the menu due to hungover chef.
Tired crew haven’t selected DVDs yet, but perhaps a serenely quiet Merchant Ivory costume drama like The Wild Party, The Remains of the Day or The City of your Final Destination
English Channel, FC Arsenal Tula, The Wild Party (1975 film), The Remains of the Day (1993 film)
The City of Your Final Destination (2009 film)
09.30 GMT – Update. HMC Valiant alongside, armed boarding party on the bridge demanding paperwork.
Smiling captain offers tea and Mr Kipling French Fancies all round, opening manifest with a flourish.
Customs officials with sniffer dogs opening selected containers and looking confused, while Chechen deck crew sing Boney M’s Rasputin.
BBC, South Central and Gonzo News Corp helicopters circling overhead.
Red faced shouty HM customs man turns off bridgecam. More updates later
HMC Valiant, Mr Kipling French Fancies
13.25 GMT – update
Customs left disgusted and empty handed at 13.10.
Captain played “Air on a G String” as they left, now reading Walt Whitman.
Running at 24 knots now, to make up some lost time but Tilbury ETA now tomorrow am.
Bridgecam reveals helmsman sipping chilled Tongba from pint glass and wearing the red/green Mohun Bagan AC strip but alarmingly with Asanol FC tattoo on right arm.
Jose outdone himself with menu of lobster thermostat, seasonal veg, rhubarb crumble with ice cream.
DVD selection now The Crimson Pirate, Das Boot and In Which We Serve.
Air on the G String, Walt Whitman, Tilbury, Tongba, Mohun Bagan A.C., The Crimson Pirate (1952 film), Das Boot (1981 film), In Which We Serve (1942 film), Hamilton Academical F.C.
19.50 GMT update
Anchored off Southend, only 2 mile from SS Richard Montgomery.
Engines finished, Tilbury pilot booked.
Bridgecam shows no helmsman but Captain on the dim bridge in dress down Fridays Hamilton Academicals red and whites, tomorrow's paperwork in one hand and glass of Laphroaig in the other.
Hearing the crew drunkenly cheer on Burt Lancaster as they make their third vodka toast (to love, traditionally) he whispers “all happy shops are alike, each unhappy ship is unhappy in its own way”.
Looking sadly at the tattoo on his arm, he drains the glass and pours another.
Southend-on-Sea, SS Richard Montgomery, Laphroaig distillery
Saturday 15th August
10.15 GMT update
Tilbury pilot arrives 09.00, accepts breakfast of bacon and eggs and double café/calva. Short sleeved shirt with discrete Millwall logo, tattoo “Free Derry” and glass of Guinness in hand, he guides Calumnia Giant up the Thames.
Jose simply wrote “Smorgusboard” on the menu and retired to his bottle of Grappa.
Swiss purser in crisp white shirt and red/black Neuchatel Xamax tie, preparing the crews pay as he sips a tiny glass of absinthe.
No DVD selection as yet, but on top of the box is Dark Star, Dredd and Firefly.
Free Derry, Neuchatel Xamax FCS, Dark Star (1974 film), Dredd (2012 film), Firefly (2005 film)
Docked Tilbury container port 11.15.
Watchman on the bridge has green Lommel SK strip and 4 bottles of Dame Jeanne lined up ready.
Some crew signing off. Chechens weepily hug the captain and advise him to grow a beard, Chennai crew just take the money and stagger off with a sack truck full of duty frees.
Replacements from Novaya Zemla, Kamykia and Aberystwyth due this evening.
Unloading and refueling started, new manifest printed off by captain, with alcohol and dangerous goods conveniently highlighted.
Old rusty green container from Shanghai Export is craned off the ship first and ready for trucking out.
Lommel S.K., Dame Jeanne, Novaya Zemlya, Kalmykia, Aberystwyth, Shanghai
Tilbury gatecam shows green container loaded onto garishly painted truck, displaying a naked lady cavorting with a dragon.
Driver has a Mohican haircut, love and hate tattoos on knuckles, blue AR (AE?) Messolongi shirt. Washing down an amphetamine with flat, warm pepsi, he tunes into Classic Rock and listens to “Satisfaction”, loud as drives off.
Stops at Stans greasy spoon on A13 for a kebab (to Comfortably Numb) then onto M25 North for The Boston Tea Party and an hour of ‘70s finest.
Next stop, Swan Truckstop Bromsgrove.
A.E. Messolonghi F.C., The Swan Truck Stop
Sunday 16th August
Swan truck-stop security cam shows driver kicking Tracy out of his cab to the sound of Sabbaths Paranoid at 05.25.
Takes his red pill, washed down with stale Pepsi Max and walks, scratching his balls, Born to be Wild now ringing in his ears, to the Pitstop café for 05.30 opening.
Full breakfast to the tunes of Led Zep and Hendrix, but pays supplement for the good sausages.
Reads Friday’s Sun, to the “Not Rock at all” of Kites, by Simon Dupree and The Big Sound. Wanders back and listens to full length “Wish You Were Here” as engine warms and lines up the days 3 tablets on the dash with blu-tak.
Leaves at 06.05 to Freebird and heads toward M42 and Space Oddity.
Last seen at Spaghetti junction shaking his head to either Bohemian Rhapsody or My Sharona. Who knows and does it matter?
14.15 Update
Gatecam shows truck arrival at importers Cannock Chase 12.05 to 2468 Motorway.
Picks up new trailer as Aerosmith plays and hits the road to 2nd pill of the day and Sweet Child O Mine.
Securitycam shows forlorn container, fine rain removing last of South China Sea salt crust as bald headed foreman with can of Special Brew in pocket checks paperwork and seal and returns to office.
A blue and red Banik Ostrava strip Is pinned to the wall, West End Girls playing quietly from a CD player.
Paperwork is thrown to bottom of pile labelled “kipple” and he drains the can to the refrain of Rent and Go West.
Briefly revealing a multihued PRIDE tattoo and the name “Phil” on his arm, he ambles to the canteen (Soggy Shepherds Pie, tinned peas), deftly dodging 2 forklifts drunkenly racing around the warehouse (the yellow one won)
Monday 17th August
Mondaycam 06.30 shows Shanghai Export contents forklifted into a warehouse by a forklift named Nostromo, (Eastend accented driver smoking a Camberwell carrot, Fulham strip, Legion Etranger tattoo and ZZ Top beard) for X-ray and rubber stamped customs check by bored Abkhazian wearing an old blue Sukhumi Dinamo strip, then segregated by stoned temp workers into pallets for retail outlets, local drug dealers or distribution to UK couriers.
Graunchy metal playing over tannoy. Initially Rammstein, forecast of Viking Metal by 14.00 clearing to Motorhead and Motley Crue, later Hail Satan!
Breakfast menu, bacon, eggs, sausage, spam or Halal spam, chips, copy of last weeks Daily Mail on the table, coffee machine out of milk.
Fulham F.C., French Foreign Legion, FC Dinamo Sukhumi
13.05 Spamcam update.
Canteen sausage delivery went wrong when driver (crewcut, Villa tattoo but AF Eskilstuna strip) badly misquoted Walt Whitmans O Captain my Captain and an argument broke out over New World vs Old World poets with the chef; none of this helped by the broken coffee machine, copious Ritalin and an ex libris hardback of Leaves of Grass.
Segging team on hold awaiting new spam delivery. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Aston Villa F.C., AFC Eskilstuna, O Captain! My Captain!, Leaves of Grass
Tuesday 18th August
Office cam 06.25 shows Tristero container full and sealed. Courier called. “bloody Germans”, shouts the Polish (Wisla Plock Shirt) supervisor over “Don’t Fear The Reaper” as he slams down the phone,
Arrive 14.27 exact, Ja indeed!
Grapping his 3rd bottle of Podlasie Duch Puszczy and washing down some fugian made meth, he shakes his long hair to Quo as they set up outside his office, and checks the breakfast menu before writing his signature 47 times in one minute.
Passing a group of Vikings and a heavenly choir he hits the canteen for eggs, bacon, sausages, beans and bacon and a coffee now the machine is working, shares a table with Elvis and Rutger Hauer, who looks like he has seen things even less believable than the tv news.
Wisla Plock, Podlasie Duch Puszczy, Rutger Hauer
14.27 Swisscam reveals dark blue Tristero truck arrive.
Blowing a post horn, the driver is clean shaven with starched dark blue uniform and gold piping just peeping out of his shirt is a tattoo showing a red, gold an d blue striped square with ‘Guardia Svizra Papala’ in 24 point Helvetica.
Signing the receipt with a Montblanc Meisterstuck, he leaves at exactly 14.27.
Drinking Alegra mineral water (having turned down the coffee) and tuning to classic FM, he hums along to the William Tell Overture. He is unshaken by the fast moving police convoy heading in the opposite direction.
Swiss Guard, Montblanc Meisterstuck, Alegra
17.20 Ordunungscam showed delivery to main triestero depot Rugby.
Pallets wheeled out, disinfected and lined up for sorting. Swissly correct, clean and without any visible humour or tattoos, at least the place works. Canteen has Ementhal croque monsieur, (French, Italian and Romansch menu), the Financial Times to read and a Toblerone dispenser.
Showing on tv are The Sound of Music, Goldfinger and the Eiger Sanction. Classic FM plays quietly on the tannoy, but will turn to an Alpenhorn selection from 20.01. Your box is checked, stamped and a call and email made to recipient for correct import fees, then a cute Edelweiss sticker is put by the delivery address.
Toblerone, The Sound of Music (1965 film)m Goldfinger (1964 film), The Eiger Sanction (1975 film), Alphorn, Leontopodium nivale
Wednesday 19th August
06.35 Genevacam reveals FedEx van (driver listening to Poison ‘Alice and Cooper’ tattoos on arms, red and blue Vaivas-tai FC strip) take 5 trolleys (one with large box and jammed castor) for central FedEx depot while playing ‘Elected’.
Knocking back some Zhejiang Ket with RedBull and a Toblerone wishing he was in Philadelphia. He screeches off to ‘Schools Out’.
The road flows, pedestrians jump, streets empty, cool cool blue lights flash. He feels love, oneness and part of all that he has touched.
Replacement driver transfers cargo from the wreck, but drives as badly, swerving around two Indians at a Zebra crossing as they wheel along a trolley of Moskovskaya Osobaya Bunnahabhain 24 and Pelinkovac.
Vaivase-Tai FC, Red Bull, Moskovskaya vodka, Pelinkovac
14.00 Fedcam catches van entering a parallel U.S of A world at FedEx central.
Country and western is on tannoy.
One hears Benson Arizona, the one great C&W song, though not a hit.
We see NASCAR posters, L.A. Vikings strips while Praise the Lord
is heard. Yeebloodyhah!
Hotdogs, burgers, freedom fries and
‘donutz’ on menu. Coffee is weak but the machine is regularly
filled by a Mexican.
MAGA caps to be seen amongst middle managers and despite a zero tolerance drugs policy, OxyContin is as rife in the office as Coke is in the executive john.
TV shows only The Alamo, the Green Berets and Lone Survivor, which says it all.
Fedex, NASCAR, LA Vikings FC, MAGA - Make America Great Again, Oxycodone, The Alamo (1960 , film), The Green Berets ( 1968 film), Lone Survivor (2013 film)
Magacam 19.00. Vans leaving for local depots like shrapnel leaving site of an explosion only more dangerous.
Drivers from Tampere, Tristan da Cunha, Tianjin but watch the one from Trincomalee (blue and white Don Bosco strip, yellow LTTE tattoo and missing fingers) going to Basingstoke with a special delivery. Drinking coconut Arrack,eating ‘donutz’, sniffing fentanyl from Shandong (via Limassol), a thermos flask (empty, no coffee) and with a copy of ‘Hagakure’ in his pocket he is truly dangerous.
Kenilworth to Leamington he reaches 80, scoring a pigeon, a dozy rabbit and clipping a cyclist. Sliproad to M40 it’s a badger, later 3 crows who thought the hard shoulder was a sanctuary.
Killstreak stops just past Cherwell services-a satisfying holdup due to a Pilgrim bus rear-ending an Ainscough crane.
Blazing nuns, scattered rosaries and spilled Holy water all bring back old memories. He settles down for a long night and a drink.
Tampere, Tristan da Cunha, Tianjin, Trincomalee, Don Bosco, Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam, Basingstoke, Arrack, Fentanyl, Shandong, Hagakure, Kenilworth, Cherwell Valley Services, Ainscough
Thursday 20th August
06.30 – Deathcam shows clear M40, Cherwell – Hail Marys said, rosaries counted and holy water mopped up.
Collecting a quick brown fox and two more lazy crows, he turns South on A34 at Junction 9.
Pulling into Peartree Oxford for diesel (now 1.27/L no cash, no mask, no service).
Pearcam shows him kicking the Peartree cat, failing to social distance and fighting 3 Chechen sailors, losing badly and ending up in a dumpster but admiring their Achkhoy Martan strip.
Hitting the road, his remaining Arrack and an injured Muntjac, he drives to Abingdon Tesco, buys a blue and yellow Abingdon FC shirt and six bottles of nice Charelevoix Lupulus (10% abv).
Finally he crashes out on a heavy, ticking box with a Tadley address.
Peartree, Achkhoy Martan, Abingdon Town F.C., Charelevoix Lupulus, Tadley (see treacle mines)
13.30 – Basingcam shows arrival.
Run on proper British lines now, the FedEx Local has cricket, tea, cheddar, stiff upper lips and total disorganization.
The packages get dumped on the floor and kicked into the wrong piles for starters.
It’s time for afternoon deliveries, but no-one can be arsed and the paperwork is lost anyway. Why work so the Yanks can make money out of our sweat?
Manager hides in his office, ticking boxes, putting great stats into a PowerPoint presentation, watching The Best of Boris on Tory Central TV.
Tea machine is broke, canteen only has dirty tables, chips and last months Sun to read, so everyone watches Battle of Britain, Waterloo or Henry V on TV (not considering Polish/Commonwealth/Belgian/Prussian and Welsh participants), or sits outside smoking homegrown, moaning about the yanks and listening to the Stones.
Battle of Britain (1969 film), Waterloo (1970 film), Henry V (1989 film)
20.00 – Shiftcam shows Polish nightcrew drinking Brewdog Tactical Nuclear Penguin and eating Krupnick or Swojska.
Shockingly for lazybastard jobstealers working double shifts, paperwork is checked, vehicles are loaded and tanks filled all to Joan Baez and Rejoice in the Sun.
Then manifests signed, tyres inflated, door pockets emptied of drugs to After the Goldrush.
Final checks and windscreens are cleaned to Fields of Gold. Everything is left shipshape and Bristol Fashion for the dayshift.
TV shows tousle haired spaffer railing about immigrants, so it’s switched over to the David Byrne solo of Psycho Killer. Stopping and tapping their feet in time, they dream of large automobiles and wonder what the hell is a shotgun shack.
Brewdog Tactical Nuclear Penguin, Krupnik (soup), Swojska, Shotgun shack
Friday 21st August
Vans out for local deliveries at 06.23 Friday morning, dodging downed trees and listening to Blondies’ Atomic.
Parcels for children, bottles of rare booze, collectible ceramic plates and drugs from Tongsheng and Fuqing. The world foolishly waits with bated breath.
One early drop is a box of expanding batons for the police college at Ufton Nervet (to Smoke on the Water).
Then crates of Vaseline and rubber product to a house in Mortimer (Rocketman), 99 Red Balloons (Private clinic Burghfield).
Strangely heavy boxes to CTS Calleva Park (Our Lips are Sealed), at Baughurst it's to boxes of MLM tosh to Enola Gay, then down Mulfords Hill to FLASH (aaaahhh) by Queen.
Tangshan, Fuqing, Ufton Nervet, Mortimer Common, Burghfield, Orchard CTS Ltd, Baughurst, Mulfords Hill
13.30 – Doorcam reveals box arrived Thrush Close 13.02 to Pinball Wizard (The Who). Customer (no tattoos or rare football strip) has radio playing Same Song by Elton John, gives driver £20 and says thanks.
Swiss Army knife (replaced once under guarantee) opens box for a check, aaaand it’s unbroken and still ticking. Hands are reset to GMT from Ulan Bator time.
Sitting down opposite a copy (or is it?) of Starry Night over the Rhone and flicking an old brass Zippo, the man makes a call…………….. Will it be answered, was it all for nothing and was it worth the massive effort? Yes hopefully, nah it was all great fun, very much so.
Click. Ring ring ring etc. Man answers phone laughing.
He won’t laugh when he opens the box later, collapsing the state vector and finding either a dead cat, a live goat or an angry mathematician inside and not a clock from a Kunming city sweatshop……………………
Swiss Army Knife, Ulaan Baatar, Starry Night over the Rhone, Zippo, Schrodingers Cat, Kunming
Finally, the biggest Surprise Rhino of them all:
Many thanks to Bridget for transcribing all the text messages into a single document.
