“Good Afternoon, readers. I am sitting in a seat in the stands at White Hart Lane, home to the Premier League football team, Tottenham Hotspur and I will be in conversation with what appears to be the essence of the club.”
“Good Morning, Mr Hotspur, or can I call you Tottenham, perhaps Totts or maybe Spurs?”,
“Mr. Hotspur, will be sufficient.”
“I see. My first question is, ‘What would you say sets Tottenham Hotspur apart from other Premier League clubs in England’?”
“Thank you."
"That is a very interesting question and is simply answered with what is an undoubted truth, held by not just us, but by substantial polling evidence are these:"
“We play football with grace,”
“With elan”
“With beauty”,
“With the most attractive players, with absolutely the best hair in the league”,
“And with us playing the most attractive football we generate the largest possible profit for our board and shareholders, whilst most importantly giving the fans the ride of a lifetime.”
“Well that was certainly frank. Can you clarify what you mean by ‘giving the fans the ride of a lifetime’?”
“Well you see, there are many attractions around the UK, Alton Towers being one of them, where punters, sorry I meant to say, fee paying customers, pay large amounts of money to go on roller coaster rides.”
“Now, not everyone can afford the time, money or effort to travel to these attractions, but here at Tottenham we can give ten of thousands of long suffering fools, sorry I meant to say stalwart die hard fans, a roller coaster ride whilst sitting uncomfortably still in their expensive season ticket seats.”
“I mean to say that it is great value for money.”
“In one 90 minute period we can take them from the heights of both astonishing and sublime football to the depths of despair with unbelievably inept play.”
“It really is great value for money.”
“What is most astonishing, is that our fabulous fans like it so much they come back week after week, year after year without any need for us to win trophies on any kind of regular basis.”
“This enables us to keep a very tight cap on the players wages and so allow us to generate even more profit for our hard working Board of Directors and our shareholders!!”
“So let me be clear, winning trophies is not the primary concern of Tottenham Hotspur football club?”
“You are quite correct. Winning trophies is very much overrated when your stalwart fans seem content to settle for players with flair, elan, beauty and great hair and be given best roller coaster ride England has to offer!”
“Sorry, did you just say, ‘Great Hair’?”
“Yes, we have been top of the league with a massive and I mean massive player hair contribution to the way we play the beautiful game.”
“Are you talking about any particular player?”
“Well Christian Bale, sadly no longer with the club, has blossomed since his massive contribution to our board members income with his €100.8 million transfer to some team or other, possibly in Spain, but some minor European team of other, I forget which.
His hair has come on in leaps and bounds, but we believe that the foundation for this improvement was set in stone from his time at this club.”
“Don’t you mean Gareth Bale?”
“Yes, yes, sorry a senior moment there, you are right, Gareth not Christian, we have been a club since 1882 and I am now aged 134, you know”
“Didn’t Gareth Bale get sold to Real Madrid?”
“Yes, that’s right. A minor European team.”
“I am sorry, but I need to challenge you there, Real Madrid are one of the most successful football clubs in the world. They…..”
“Sorry but I must interrupt you!”
“Yes, you are right, the Galapagos, as they are known, have challenged us in the hair department in recent years especially with their innovative use of hair bands for men, “
“But they have not managed to challenge us with the attractiveness of their players, an area where we continue to invest heavily. You need a beautiful team to play the beautiful game.”
“When selecting new players to buy, one of our main criteria is how attractive they are; will they fit in the look of the rest of the team.”
“There is no point in buying another blonde player if we are stocked to the gills with blondes. We need a good selection of hair colours so that our team photos look well balanced.”
“I would have thought you would be buying players on their footballing abilities?”
“Footballing ability is like trophies, much overrated.”
“Arsenal (with the emphasis on the Arse) have invested unwisely over the years, in players, in their new stadium and where has it got them?”
“They have won the Premier League title a number of times and are the joint record holders for winning the FA Cup and they have a fabulous stadium”
“But what have they won in recent years?”
“Though I do have to admit Mr. Wenger is always beautifully turned out, but that is probably because he is French.”
“But what it comes down to if we disregard their trophies is, are they attractive?”
“Do they have great hair?
“Do they take an outstanding team photo?”
“These are the things that drive attendance at our matches and give us one of the largest fan bases in the whole world!”
“To be frank, we don’t always get it right on the attractiveness front”
“Harry Kane, for one, may not be the best looker, but what fabulous hair, and by adroit positioning of him in the team photo and a with major image manipulation we can improve his looks no end so that the photo is well balanced and he doesn’t stand out like a sore thumb.”
“Anyhow, we are getting off the point talking about Arsenal (spit), I thought you were here because you wanted to talk about Tottenham Hotspur?”
“I do want to talk about Spurs”,
“That’ll be Mr Hotspur!”
“I stand corrected. Now tell me who would you see as the Greats of Tottenham Hotspur?”
“Well, there have been and indeed still are many many players with flair, elan, skill and great great hair and with the ‘hipster’ revolution with many more with outstanding beards.”
“I have to restate the fact that Tottenham have led the way in bearded players (and the associated hair care products sales) that have represented this great club over the years. Think Martin Chivers, Pancho Villa and Steve Archibald!”
“Don’t you mean Ricky Villa?”
“Yes, apologies, my age is catching up on me. He was the Mexican player?”
“No, he was Argentinian.”
“Ah yes. but I am 134 you know.”
“Back to the questions. Is there one player who epitomises the club?”
“That is a not a difficult one, there are so few to choose from, but the answer is obvious: David Ginola.”
“His long flowing hair, his marvellous proto beard, his flair, his elan, his style, his flamboyance, his ability to run fast whilst keeping control of the ball, his ability to fall to ground under the most minor of tackles, his ability to score fantastic goals, and for me one of the most outstanding facets of his game, his gorgeous French accent.”
“But it was his ability to mirror the essence of the club, that is his ability to give us a roller coaster ride all by himself, with no need for the rest of the team.”
“We never knew which David Ginola would turn up, the one with skill and flair and ability, or the one who was sulky and moody and lurked on the pitch not really contributing to the game, simply fantastic”
“Well thank you for your time and honesty”
